hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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