it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
