No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
