I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
