Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
