i think my tv is drunk
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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