I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
