My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
