Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
