i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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