I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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