I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
