pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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