i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
