I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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