Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
