Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
