I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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