I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
