12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
