Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
