insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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