so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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