im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
