I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
