I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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