So drunk its hurt
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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