im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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