She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
