Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
my shit smells like andre
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
