Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
