Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
