got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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