Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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