Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
