i think my mom watched the whole time
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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