I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
