i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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