how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
