I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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