I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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