he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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