Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Text me some of your sweat
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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