Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
