don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
