Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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