It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
