Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
