I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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