walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
