Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
