God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am one with the molecules
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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